Haunted

More and more as time goes by I find myself dreaming about a version of Violet that is free of CP. A version where she runs around with Henry, chatting away about horses and ponies. A little girl into everything and causing chaos wherever she goes. 

My heart hurts, I can’t resolve the constant battle of emotions in my own head. In so many ways I have accepted, dare I say embraced our life and Violets reality. But I can’t stop this ghost of a unaffected Violet that haunts me. 

Fleeting thoughts, usually triggered by seeing girls their age, start the inevitable. Soon a series of short clips of imaginary film play in my mind. Violet chasing Henry, jumping on a trampoline, splashing in puddles or climbing trees. I can’t see this loop ever ending.

In time my hope is that I will be able to stop the heart wrenching emotions that accompany these thoughts. Grieving parts of your child’s life is something so powerful and so difficult to explain. The emotions so intense. 

I scold myself daily, reminding myself of beautiful children with life limiting conditions, those with even more extreme versions of CP and other neurological disorders. Our life together although heartbreaking at times, is beautiful, happy and will hopefully be long. I know wonderful mothers who don’t have that luxury of time. They are truly amazing and inspire me to make the most of everyday.

Yet here I am, destined to forever be haunted by the what ifs and possibilities so cruelly stolen from Violet. I guess that’s a mothers burden.

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