I’ve built up quite a thick skin over the last couple of years. Few things get me right in the chest, that crippling sick to your stomach feeling that radiates as a physical pain.
But a few daggers sneak through at unexpected moments from the most innocuous situations or experiences.
For me recently it’s been sweet images of little infants experiencing weaning, grasping their little bits of food in their hands. Such innocence, a lovely milestone.
Sadly it’s triggering in me that stabby feeling. They say comparison is the thief of joy and that’s true. I rarely let myself do it. But you can’t always block those thoughts out.
How do I pull myself together and carry on? Often I don’t have time to dwell and am in the midst of sorting out breakfasts, feeds or other mummy bits while having a quick swipe through social media. I swallow all the feelings and try to let it go.
I say try because inevitably the feeling will pop up again when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I can’t busy myself with other tasks then, I have to ride it out. I think of all the wonderful achievements that Violet has made. How the nasogastric tube has made such an incredible difference in a mere fortnight. These positive thoughts settle my mind and stomach and I can relax into sleep most of the time.
I guess we all have those nights where everything is popping up in your stream of thoughts. As if it’s trying to tear you down. It’s hard to think positively in those moments but it’s so important to build yourself back up again. Maintaining a healthy mental state is essential in this role of parent/carer.